Coalitions, cuts, bigots, vuvuzelas, leaking wikis, white stuff...2010 has been another momentous year, in which Stuff has Happened. Some of it has been Good Stuff, and some of it has been...wait for it...Bad Stuff. Fairly typical year then I suppose. Anyway, here are my awards for 2010.
Best Word: 'Omphaloskepsis' - contemplation of one's navel as part of a mystical exercise.
Most Euphonious Phrase: 'cellar door'. Ignore the meaning, close your eyes and say it, whisper it, feel the sound of it. Beautiful.
Best Friend: Maths. Maths is brilliant. For a surprise birthday treat Kate took me to see a public lecture by Marcus Du Sautoy, head of Mathematics at Oxford University. You're probably thinking it was all big confusing equations and proofs but you're wrong. It was all about how Maths is beautiful. Which it is. (Here's the first part of a documentary he did with Maths-phobe funny man Alan Davies, well worth an hour of your time - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cu4_Vd6TTw
Best Joke #1: "There is no systematic corruption in Fifa. That is nonsense, we are financially clean and clear." - Sepp Blatter. (Have a look at the bottom of the post for some Fifa highlights.)
Best Joke #2: Raymond Domenech (because he is a mental) and the French national football team.
Most Over-hyped Film: Inception. It was resolutely OK. And if you disagree, ask yourself if you cared about any of the characters, or if Cobb's relationship with his wife was in any way believable, or if you gave a monkeys bottom about what was essentially some corporate sabotage. So, an interesting idea and some great effects, but that's all.
Best Armchair Activist: Me. Among other things, I wrote to George Osborne, finishing my letter by pointing out that his second home expenses were twice what Kate and I live off.
Potentially Biggest Decision: Not saying, but if it pays off you'll know about it.
One of the Greatest Days of My Life #1: I put plastic bra on my head, I got strapped to a man named Noel. I got into a plane. The plane went 3 miles high. I jumped out. I fell for 2 miles. If you want a challenge this year, do it yourself - pick a charity, raise some money, jump out of a plane and savour the experience. Utterly amazing. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVP8Fot8yI4
One of the Greatest Days of My Life #2: After watching Pompey win the FA Cup a couple of years ago, in April I went to Wembley to see Pompey take on Tottenham Hotspur in the FA Cup semi-final. I was fully expecting Spurs, managed by traitor Harry Redknapp and with several of our former players, to batter us. After extra time we beat them 2-0. It was simply amazing, better even than when we won the cup.
Next Best Thing to Being Spoken to By God: We went to see Daniel Kitson, the funniest, most life affirming man I've ever seen, do a show about his old flat (which was funny and life-affirming). At the end we stayed behind to look at some of his props (some beautiful scale models of his flat) and as we started to leave, we heard a voice from the back say 'Thanks for coming'. It was Daniel himself. I'd have asked him if he fancied a nice cup of tea but I got all nervous, so I blurted out 'Thank you for having us'. He has a good beard.
Finally, 2010 also saw The Single Greatest Thing I've Ever Seen In My Life. Honestly, I'm just in awe of this. Every time I watch it I laugh in wonder. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=081dHOYY6IE
(Here are some highlights from Fifa, taken from the Observer's excellent Said & Done column:
Best individual performance: Executive Committee member Amos Adamu – caught in the bribery sting four months after telling colleagues facing separate fraud charges how they should behave. "The public sees every football administrator as corrupt, and I cannot explain why it is so. We must always be transparent to prove them wrong!"
• Runner-up: Former ExCo member Ismael Bhamjee – caught in the same sting, four years after his first one: exposed in 2006 for touting World Cup tickets at three times face value to supplement his £270 daily Fifa expenses. "I got myself in a mess," Bhamjee said at the time. "This was out of character."
• Best award: Former ExCo member Viacheslav Koloskov – travelling to Asunción in October to lobby current ExCo member Nicolás Léoz for Russia's bid. Léoz (accused by Panorama of taking £450k in bribes) honoured Koloskov (who received an unauthorised £65k payment from Sepp in 2002) with an award for "services to football and its principles".
• Best analysis: also from Koloskov – greeting the publication of the bids' expensive technical reports in November: "I know from my own experience that ExCo members work with little information. The inspection reports are enormous, so no one reads them."
• Best timing: October – Russia's sports minister Vitaly Mutko attacks the British press for "obsessive" analysis of Russia's racism record. Also that month: Russian football agent Vladimir Abramov gives an interview to Sport.ru about how Nigerians ruin Russian cities with "their drugs, and ultimately, their Aids". Abramov: "Teams shouldn't have more than one dark-skinned footballer. When there's more than one they are aggressive"; plus: "I am very respectful towards blacks, but Russia isn't ready for them." FIfa's view: "Racism will not be taken into account in the bidding process … It is not an operation matter".
• Best outrage: Mutko again, on why attention from the English press left him exasperated. "No matter what we say we are portrayed by them as a hotbed of corruption. It is not true." Later that week: Russian authorities launch a criminal investigation into alleged fraud at Mutko's ministry, including Mutko's own expenses claim for 97 breakfasts eaten during a 20-day trip to Vancouver.
• Best defenders: Fifa ExCo members on the "slanders" against Sepp's process:
1) Jérôme Valcke (sacked in 2006 for "lying repeatedly" to potential sponsors and reappointed by Sepp in 2007): "We have done everything we can to make sure this process is fair and transparent."
2) Chuck Blazer (called a liar "without credibility" by a US judge in 2006): "You can't say the system is bad just because one newspaper created a scam, a trap."
3) Jack Warner (totally clean): "We preach equity… we live by our principle of fair play!"
4) Plus: Angel María Villar Llona – making an epic address to colleagues in Zurich: "I love Fifa dearly but those I love the most are my colleagues in the ExCo. Recently we have been criticised by certain media, but unfortunately for them, Fifa is a clean institution. We have heard enough slander. This process is clean – whatever they say!")
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